Expectations Around Motherhood!
Motherhood is an incredible challenge—one that’s as rewarding as it is overwhelming. The extent to which we can "master" it often depends on the resources and support available to us, as well as our personal beliefs and those of society. As mothers, we must not only manage our own expectations but also lean into support mechanisms that can help ease our transition into this life-altering experience.
The Journey of Motherhood
Motherhood marks a profound turning point in our lives, one that brings a whirlwind of emotions, responsibilities, and challenges—many of which we could never fully anticipate. According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) approximately 11% of the US population[1] is affected by postpartum depression and possibly as many as 1 in 7 people in the UK[2]. Childbirth triggers an identity shift, where suddenly, the world revolves around a tiny, helpless being instead of ourselves. This transformation happens overnight, but despite the abundance of online information and advice, many of us are still left unsure about how to navigate our new role. With so much conflicting advice out there, it can often feel like the more we know, the more uncertain we become. It’s easy to feel like everyone has an opinion—but is all this noise truly helpful?
There’s a need to adapt, function, and connect with our baby as well as with the world around us, but at the same we are struggling to manage the overwhelming demands of daily life with a new baby. For some, this shift can bring a sense of loss as we mourn the life we had before. It can feel like our previous identity is "snatched away," leaving us with a new, often demanding, reality. The journey we expect may not always align with the reality of motherhood. We envision a smooth, blissful start, only to be met with the physical, mental, and emotional strains of newborn care, along with new societal expectations. It's easy to feel as though we’re constantly playing catch-up.
The Ideal vs. Reality of Motherhood
There’s a strange ideal that motherhood should be a time of pure joy and bliss. This can then can leave us feeling guilty or anxious when things don’t go as expected. But here's the truth: you don’t need to meet every expectation, and it’s okay to take a step back, breathe, and allow yourself the space to grow into this new role at your own pace.
For my own part, I didn’t approach motherhood with any real expectations. At 26, I was naïve and unprepared for my first birth, which then turned out to be traumatic. I was caught off guard by the intensity of the experience, and the physical and emotional aftermath left me in a state of shock. Looking back, I wonder if I could have been better prepared—not just for the labor itself but for the entire transition into motherhood. As a very independent person, I didn’t ask for help. I was used to managing everything on my own, but with hindsight, I wish I had reached out to friends and family. They would have been more than happy to help, and those early months would have been much easier.
After 36 hours of labour, with doctors and midwives bickering in the background, an epidural, painful methods that I consider forms of human torture (!), and one moment where I lost consciousness, everything felt surreal. The world around me seemed smaller, more distant, as if I had entered an entirely different reality. Once the birth was over, I couldn’t sleep—my mind was in overdrive, and after a week I soon developed a raging fever and mastitis. I had imagined I’d be back to work within a few days, but sleep deprivation quickly put that idea to rest. There I was, sitting in my maternity bra with frozen cabbage leaves stuffed inside, and in that moment, I realized: nothing could shock me anymore!
The Reality of Postpartum Recovery
Depending on our family circumstances, culture, or resources, we may or may not have received the support we needed during pregnancy and the early weeks of motherhood. I didn’t even know what a doula was, but I certainly wish I had. In later pregnancies, having a doula by my side made a huge difference. A trained, supportive presence who could advocate for me was invaluable. I also wish I’d known about the power of hypnobirthing, when it comes to pain management. It truly helps me transcend pain in my subsequent births, and I’m sure it would have made a world of difference with my first. Another thing I didn’t anticipate was the physical toll of childbirth, particularly postpartum recovery. I had never heard of diastasis recti (a condition where the abdominal muscles don’t return to their original position after birth), but it affects about 30% of women in the UK.[3] I never really thought about what would happen to my body during childbirth, nor did I consider the exercises, care, and treatments I would need afterward.
The amount of postpartum support you get depends on the where you give birth. In some countries women are legally prevented from working for a set period after birth and have access to extensive postnatal programmes and regular visits from health providers. In Korea, where I gave birth to my second child, women are shielded from societal pressures for months post-birth, allowing them to focus solely on their recovery. There are special clinics (which are not always cheap!) where women are given nourishing food, massages, hair care, yoga classes and even babysitting services.
So, what’s the best advice?
The Importance of Support and Realistic Expectations
Don’t have rigid expectations, except for the fact that everything will likely be different than you expect. Birth plans can be prepared where we might romatically envision giving birth in a birthing jacuzzi, but the reality may well be very different and not nearly so glamorous. If we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, we risk disappointment, which can lead to postpartum depression or burnout. It’s crucial to be honest with ourselves and recognize when we need help. We can’t do it all alone. No one is superhuman, and our inner resources are not infinite. Asking for support is not a weakness; it’s a form of strength.
Motherhood is about nurturing and caring for your child unconditionally, but it doesn’t require you to look or behave a certain way to be “good enough.” There’s no such thing as a perfect mother because every mother’s journey is unique. Our lives, circumstances, and experiences differ, so there’s no point in comparing ourselves to others. Much of the content that we see online and in the media is romanticised anyway and does not depict the reality of life as mother. We need do the best we can with what we have, and if we’re struggling, we should seek support. If we’re not well, we can’t be the best mother we can be. If we, as mothers, become unwell—physically or mentally—we can’t be the best version of ourselves for our children. Recognizing when we need support is actually one of the most important ways to be a better mother.
Support for All Mothers
Support shouldn’t be reserved solely for mothers who are visibly struggling or actively seeking help. Every new mother, regardless of how she appears, deserves ongoing support. While some women may not experience postpartum depression immediately, it can develop later on. Mothers need more than just regular health check-ups for themselves and their babies—they need holistic support that lasts well beyond the early weeks, and at the very least continues months after giving birth. Long-term postpartum care should include exercise classes as well as mindfulness, yoga, massage, health education, cooking and nutrition advice, meditation, support groups, and therapy to help manage relationships, time, and stress. And this support should begin during pregnancy, laying the foundation for a healthier transition into motherhood.
Motherhood shouldn’t be a solo venture. We need better systems in place to share the load, whether it’s through community support, paid paternal leave, or better childcare options. Fathers should be supported to take a more active role in raising their children, and in balancing the pressures of parenthood. Becoming a father is a significant transition, yet society may not fully recognize this. Fathers often want to be more involved in their child's upbringing but may feel uncertain about how to navigate demands at work and at home. Perhaps there should be greater emphasis on providing both parents with the practical and emotional support they need so that they can share the responsibility of raising a child.
Rewriting the Narrative
In the pursuit of the "ideal" motherhood, many women take on the lion’s share of managing the household and childcare, often implementing their own high standards for how tasks should be done. This drive is often rooted in societal expectations of the "perfect mother." Women might also feel pressurised in to having a child even if they don’t want one. There is a fear of being judged either for not being maternal, for not having the perfect home, or for not being good at parenting. As a result women often go to great lengths to avoid backlash[1]—even at the expense of their own well-being.
Over time, this can lead to mothers taking on even more responsibilities at home, regardless of whether they work outside the home. This growing load can take a toll on their energy and, ultimately, their professional performance. Women may find themselves forced to put career ambitions on hold due to the overwhelming demands of home life, especially when there is little support. This pattern is also partly responsible for the continued underrepresentation of women in the workforce. Moreover, many mothers, without realizing it, may pass on this perfectionist ideal to their daughters, reinforcing the notion that women are solely responsible for managing the home—a burden that has persisted across generations. There is immense pressure not only to be a great mother, but also to be physically fit and to return to work as soon as possible. We’re expected to work out, be strong, bake cakes, keep the house spotless, and socialise—all while bouncing a baby on our knee and barely sleeping a wink. Honestly, why do we even attempt this juggling act?
Things are shifting, now though. While the media has long pushed the idea of an ideal mother, it’s also beginning to portray a more realistic side of motherhood. Online content is emerging that conveys motherhood in its true colours, helping us see the funny side and the struggles. Online communities have sprung up, offering a space where mothers can vent, share their frustrations, and connect with others who truly understand. These spaces can be cathartic and have a real positive impact on mood. There’s something comforting about finding others in the same boat. But we should also be mindful about the amount of social media content we consume, especially when it showcases the so-called "perfect" mother who can do it all. These images are often unrealistic, presenting a warped, unattainable version of perfection. If we constantly compare our home lives to flawless pictures of smiling children in perfect outfits with model mothers, we’ll never feel good enough. Instead, we need to celebrate the small victories and acknowledge that we're doing the best we can. Time spent scrolling through idealised content is just a waste of energy that should be focused on rewarding ourselves, not making us feel worse. It’s just perpetuating the myth of the "perfect" mother, who doesn’t exist.
The challenge of balancing work and childcare shouldn’t be a personal issue, yet it often feels like one. Women are constantly caught between being a doting mother and a breadwinner. This conflict breeds guilt and shame, and no matter how hard we try, it’s impossible to do both without struggle. Stay-at-home mothers are often seen as incomplete or as "housewives," while those who pursue careers are judged as "bad parents." The role of mother is still regarded by many cultures as the primary nurturer and caregiver, tying a woman’s identity closely to her motherhood. With the loss of extended family support and community, parenting has become more individualized and isolating. Multi-generational households have largely been replaced by nuclear families, with fewer connections to a broader support network. For centuries, women have been expected to put their children’s needs before their own, even to the point of sacrificing their lives in childbirth. This historical expectation continues to influence the modern experience of motherhood, with many women still facing overwhelming pressure to fulfil both traditional and contemporary roles.
In Summary, Motherhood Can Be Made Easier By:
Building social connections with other mothers, both online and locally
Receiving consistent support from family, friends, and childcare services
More paternal leave and shared responsibility for childcare
Creating stronger local communities that support one another
Providing holistic services for mothers, including exercise, coaching, and therapy
Encouraging open discussions about the identity of mothers in society
Reducing competition and judgment between mothers
Creating better structures to support mothers balancing work and childcare
Learning to delegate tasks and ask for help
Prioritizing self-care, including sleep and time for personal joy
Trusting your intuition and celebrating small victories
Redefining Parenthood
The mental health and well-being of mothers are vital for the entire family. The more support mothers have, the more they can thrive and positively impact their children. The societal pressure on mothers to be perfect only contributes to stress, guilt, and burnout. Instead of competing with one another, we need to support each other, embracing the messy, imperfect reality of motherhood.
Let’s help redefine motherhood as a shared experience, rather than a solo journey.
Join Us for a Webinar on "The Doula in the Community"
On January 22nd, 2025 at 8 PM (CET), we will be hosting a webinar featuring two guest speakers, Debbie and Spela—both experienced doulas from Switzerland and Slovenia, with a special focus on supporting expectant expat mothers. During this session, we will be discussing the role of the doula in the community and how doulas can support families, especially in cross-cultural settings.
If you'd like to join us, please email us at hello@theinformedperspective.com to secure your spot. If you have any questions you would like to ask the panel, feel free to send them our way in advance!
Images courtesy of Freepix.
