Are You Able to Ask for Help, or Do You Try to Do It All Yourself?
Are you able to reach out to others for help?
It seems that many people today are more isolated than in previous generations. Unlike in the past, people no longer tend to stay close to home or remain within their local communities. Many of us move far away from family, friends, or even the country we grew up in, driven by work, relationships, or life choices. As local communities decline, our support networks often become more limited. This makes it much harder to ask for help when we need it, and we may end up feeling overwhelmed as we try to manage daily life on our own. But perhaps it's time to rethink how we handle these struggles—not just for our own mental health but for the well-being of those around us as well. So, when the going gets tough, who can we turn to, and how do we go about asking for help?
Have you Asked for Help Recently?
Have you asked for help recently? Was it in the last few days or weeks? Who do you usually turn to for help? What kind of things do you typically ask for assistance with—just small, everyday tasks or something more significant? Personally, I tend to like doing things myself. I often think that I can do it quicker and better if I handle it alone. I take pride in being independent and capable, but there are times when I would actually be kinder to myself if I asked for help. Yet, this is something I still find difficult. I sometimes expect my friends to notice when I need help, thinking they should pick up on my cues. But of course, these cues are not always obvious, and perhaps that expectation is unfair. It can leave us feeling frustrated or disappointed when others don’t offer help, though the reality is that we’re all caught up in our own lives, and people don’t always notice what others need—often without any ill intent.
Maybe the answer lies in being more transparent. Instead of expecting others to read our minds, we could try simply telling them how we feel and what we need. We might be surprised at how willing people are to help when they know what’s going on. By being more open, we might all become more sensitive to each other's needs, leading to a greater sense of community and more mutual sharing of responsibilities and stress.
The Difficulty of Reaching Out
Asking for help within the home is one thing, but reaching out to people outside of this environment can be much harder. We don’t want to feel like a burden to others, so we often choose to push through on our own. But the truth is humans have a fundamental need to feel connected to a social community and to belong. Without these connections, we risk poor health and loss of well-being[1]. Research shows that deeper, more meaningful relationships lead to greater happiness and life satisfaction.[2] From a young age, children show a desire to help and be helped. Even at just two years old, children display empathy[3], and by the age of five, they care deeply about what others think of them[4]. This instinct to support others—whether family, friends, or even strangers—is part of what makes us human. Helping others provides a sense of purpose, and by asking for help, we allow others to feel good about themselves, too.
Gender Differences and Emotional Needs in Seeking Help
Gender plays a significant role in how we seek help. Women, for example, are often more likely to reach out for support, primarily because they tend to form close emotional bonds with other women and are generally more open about their feelings. In contrast, men have historically embraced a more independent, "macho" role, which can make it harder for them to admit when they need help. However, research suggests that if men had the same types of close, supportive relationships that women tend to form, they might seek help just as often.[5b] It’s not necessarily a matter of gender but rather the kind of relationships that foster emotional openness.
Asking for help is not only about addressing a practical need; it also signals to others that we are in need of social connection and emotional support.6 Reaching out acknowledges our emotional needs and helps regulate them, which can lead to a more balanced emotional state. This is particularly important for children and adolescents. Studies show that children who receive autonomy support—the freedom to express their needs and emotions—develop stronger emotional regulation skills. The ability to manage intense emotions is especially important during adolescence, a time when emotions can feel overwhelming and hard to navigate. When we receive support during challenges, it reduces our perceived stress, enabling us to approach problems more effectively. A strong support network is crucial in shaping how we perceive and cope with stress. Simply knowing that we have loving relationships with family and friends can greatly reduce stress and anxiety, while fostering positive emotions that make it easier to cope with everyday challenges. Feeling supported plays a key role in maintaining our well-being, and the comfort of knowing resources are available when needed is incredibly beneficial for mental health.
The Role of Identity in Asking for Help
Returning to the theme of independence, it’s worth considering how our sense of identity affects our ability to ask for and accept help. If you identify as a “bootstrapper”—someone who believes that success depends on doing everything yourself—you may feel threatened by the idea of accepting help. For these individuals, asking for help can feel like a loss of control or a challenge to their self-image. This mindset can lead to burnout, anxiety, and avoidance behaviors,[5]particularly if they never allow themselves to lean on others.
It’s essential that people with this kind of mindset are in environments that foster autonomy while also encouraging help-seeking. In healthcare, for example, patients need to feel that they have the freedom to choose their own treatment options, even if those options are based on medical recommendations. This approach helps build trust between caregivers and patients, which is likely to improve overall outcomes. Autonomy—especially the ability to make informed choices—can help people feel more in control of their emotional and physical health, which in turn makes them more likely to accept help.4
Strengthening Relationships by Asking for Help
Asking for help can actually strengthen relationships. When you lower your guard and allow someone to assist you, it creates an opportunity for greater emotional connection. The closer the relationship, the more likely both parties are to invest in it. Interestingly, people are often more willing to help when the request feels voluntary, rather than forced.[6]
However, it’s also important to note that some individuals may feel worse about themselves if the help they receive exceeds their expectations. This could create a sense of inadequacy or indebtedness, particularly if they feel unable to repay the favor. But perhaps the true benefit lies in recognizing how much you are giving to the person who helps you. By asking for help, you are showing that you trust them and believe they are capable, which can enhance their self-esteem as well.
Altruism, Self-Interest, and the Power of Volunteering
Humans are inherently capable of altruism—helping others simply because we care about their well-being. This selfless desire to assist has been observed across all cultures and age groups. [7] However, help is not always purely altruistic; it can also be driven by self-interest. People sometimes help others to alleviate their own distress or fulfill personal needs. This "egoistic" motivation can make those who need help hesitant to ask, fearing that the offer of assistance may be more about the helper's emotional relief or benefit than a genuine desire to help. [8],[9]
Volunteering, in particular, offers an opportunity to help others without expectation of reciprocation. Volunteers often experience a strong sense of community and fulfillment, which goes beyond simply fulfilling an obligation. While some may volunteer for career benefits or networking opportunities, long-term volunteers report greater life satisfaction and improved health. [10] Studies show that adults who volunteer regularly tend to live longer, healthier lives compared to those who don’t. 6
Volunteering also has a significant impact on adolescents. Research suggests that young people who engage in community service are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking, or crime. They also tend to perform better academically and are less likely to experience unwanted pregnancies. By providing structure, purpose, and opportunities for connection, volunteering helps adolescents build stronger emotional and social skills, shaping them into more empathetic and well-rounded individuals. 6
The Power of Asking for Help: A Lesson from Steve Jobs
There is wisdom in the saying, “If you don’t ask, you won’t get.” Steve Jobs attributed much of his success to the courage of asking for help—something many people fail to do. As Jobs famously said, “I’ve never found anybody who didn’t want to help me when I’ve asked them for help!” Perhaps, at times, we stand in our own way. Instead of overthinking, we might be better off simply articulating our needs honestly and asking for support.
The Reluctance to Ask for Help: Why Is It So Hard?
Asking for help is something many of us struggle with. We fear burdening others, believe we should handle everything ourselves, and worry about how others might perceive us. If you find it difficult to ask for help, you're not alone. This reluctance often stems from a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. Admitting that we can't do everything on our own can feel like a threat to our independence or competence. We might fear inconveniencing others or, worse yet, feeling inadequate when we can't manage on our own.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. After the birth of my first child, I tried to do everything by myself, battled post-natal blues, and suffered in silence. It wasn’t until later, with subsequent births and a better support system, that I realized how much harder I had made things for myself. Looking back, I can see how asking for help would have been crucial for my mental health and well-being. This is why it’s important to regularly assess your responsibilities. If your to-do list starts to feel overwhelming, it might be time to ask for help. When negative self-talk urges you not to reach out, write those thoughts down and critically assess whether they’re based on facts or just unfounded fears. Often, these internal messages have no real evidence behind them. Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s a way of ensuring you can take care of your needs, both mentally and physically.
Interestingly, studies suggest that people often believe others will reject their requests for help more frequently than is actually the case. This fear of rejection can prevent us from reaching out when we need assistance. At the same time, we may underestimate the impact of a simple “thank you” or a gesture of gratitude, which can leave a lasting, positive impression on those who help us.[11],[12]
Another reason we hesitate to ask for help is the fear of having to return the favor. If we’re already stretched thin, the thought of reciprocating—whether by looking after someone else’s children or walking their dog—can feel like too much. We may also wonder if offering help will make the other person uncomfortable. Social expectations around offering and receiving help vary across cultures, and in our increasingly individualistic, modernized world, the boundaries around social support have become less clear.
Our willingness to both give and receive help is shaped by a combination of cultural and generational influences. Older generations often place high value on hierarchical respect for elders and on religious or communal beliefs about mutual aid—values that may not be as widely emphasized today. If you grew up in a tight-knit community, the welfare of others was likely a central part of your upbringing. On the other hand, those who have grown up in more isolated environments might not have developed the same sense of collective responsibility. This can lead to a stronger focus on individual goals, rather than a shared sense of community and mutual support.
What Do People with Strong Social Connections Have in Common?
People who are well-connected socially often have strong relationships within their community. They engage with their neighbors, participate in community activities, and feel a sense of belonging and shared responsibility.[13] These individuals experience a sense of acceptance and solidarity, which plays a significant role in their well-being.
On the other hand, social isolation is associated with various negative health outcomes. People who are isolated tend to smoke more, exercise less, have poorer diets, and are more prone to obesity.[14] Social connection is a fundamental biological need, and lacking it can severely affect your ability to manage stress and trauma. Chronic loneliness has been linked to heightened stress, anxiety, depression, and even premature death.[15][16]
The Impact of Social Interaction on Children
For children, growing up in an environment that fosters social interaction, physical affection, and praise can make a significant difference. These children are more likely to develop a sense of motivation to help others and to pursue reciprocity—an essential foundation for maintaining stable, healthy social environments.
Different Countries, Different Cultures, Different Levels of Readiness to Help
Common Features of Countries with High Levels of Mutual Support:
Strong Social Safety Nets: Countries with comprehensive healthcare, unemployment benefits, and parental leave tend to have higher levels of support, both from the government and within communities.
High Social Trust: In countries where people trust each other and their institutions, cooperation and collective action are more common.
Cultural Norms of Reciprocity: Many of these countries emphasize the importance of helping others, whether through formal volunteerism or informal acts of kindness.
Active Volunteerism: Countries that encourage volunteerism, either through government programs or community-based initiatives, often enjoy stronger networks of mutual support.
However, for the most part studies indicate that globally, social connection is on the decline, and more people are spending time alone. This is concerning, as social support is crucial for life satisfaction and well-being.[17],[18] Countries that lack civic space—defined as the environment that enables people and groups to meaningfully participate in the political, economic, social, and cultural life of their societies—tend to have lower rates of volunteerism and social support.
Clarifying Goals and Resources
When deciding whether to ask for help, it’s important to assess your goals and resources. If it’s clear that a goal cannot be achieved with the resources you currently have—whether time, energy, or money—it might be a sign that you need external assistance
Practical Steps to Address a Need for Help
1. Make a List of Your Responsibilities
Begin by listing all your current responsibilities—work, household chores, childcare, bill payments, fitness routines, etc. Then, evaluate whether any can be eliminated, adjusted, or postponed, and focus on what truly matters. If multiple goals are competing for your attention, prioritize the most urgent or important ones. When feeling overwhelmed, a clear, rational plan can provide direction and help you move forward in alignment with your values. Once you have everything laid out, rank your tasks by importance and value, so you can identify which ones are critical and which can be delegated or delayed.
2. Ways to Ask for Help Effectively
Asking for help is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice and planning. Here are some tips to approach it with confidence:
Identify the Specific Help You Need: Be clear about the kind of help you’re requesting. Whether it’s emotional support, assistance with a task, or advice, being specific helps others understand your needs.
Choose the Right Person to Ask: Consider who is best suited to help. Think about their capabilities, availability, and willingness to assist.
Pick the Right Time: Timing matters. Choose a moment when both of you are available and in a good mood. Avoid asking for help during stressful or busy times.
Be Honest and Clear: Communicate your needs directly and openly. Avoid vague requests, as they can cause confusion or discomfort.
Respect Their Autonomy: Let the person know they’re not obligated to help. Make it clear that it’s okay for them to say no. People are more likely to help when they feel free to decline. Research shows that if someone feels coerced into helping, any benefits they would receive from assisting may be negated.[19]
Be Polite: Use respectful language, such as “Would you be willing to...?” or “Could you help me with...?”. You can soften your request by adding, “Are you sure it’s not too much to ask?” or “You don’t have to, but...”.
Stay Firm in Your Request: Don’t back out halfway. If the person agrees to help, express gratitude and accept their assistance graciously.
Be Open About Your Situation: If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure about what exactly you need, it’s okay to admit it. Sometimes, just talking through the situation with someone can help clarify the way forward.
Show Gratitude: Always thank those who offer their help, and acknowledge their support. Gratitude strengthens relationships and encourages future help. Accepting help is an act of self-care,[20] and it also reinforces the bond between you and the person offering assistance.
If Help is Refused, Explore Other Options: If someone cannot help, don’t be discouraged. Look for other ways to find assistance or consider alternate solutions.
Consider Offering a Token of Appreciation: A small gesture—such as a thank-you card or gift—can go a long way in showing appreciation. If you can’t reciprocate immediately, explain why and offer to help when your circumstances improve.
3. Other Ways to Find Support
Even if you don’t live in a community with strong social networks, there are still many ways to find the support you need:
Find Online Support Networks: Join communities or forums where others share similar challenges. Online groups can provide a sense of belonging and mutual support.
Talk to a Friend or Family Member: Sometimes, people want to help but aren’t sure how. Share what you're going through and how you're feeling.
Seek Therapy or Coaching: If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, professional support through therapy or coaching can help you navigate difficult times.
Limit Commitments: Overwhelm often stems from taking on too much. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t align with your priorities or are too much to handle at the moment.
Create Time for Yourself: Schedule “me time” to recharge. Simple activities like reading, walking, or practicing mindfulness can significantly reduce stress.
Automate Tasks: Use technology to reduce your load. Set up reminders, automate bill payments, and use apps to organize tasks or grocery lists. This can free up time for other important matters.
Meal Prep: If food-related tasks cause stress, consider meal prepping for the week or using delivery services.
Be Kind to Yourself: Give yourself permission to do things imperfectly or to abandon tasks that aren’t necessary. Practice self-compassion.
Family or Household Discussions: If you’re managing a household, hold a family meeting to discuss how to divide responsibilities more fairly. Be open about your struggles, and brainstorm ways to lighten the load together.
Help Others: If you're in a good place, the next time you ask a friend, “How are you?” take an extra moment to truly check in with them. Offer help if you can, you may find that this does you good too.
Be Proactive: If you sense you might need help in the future, try to anticipate what kind of support you might require and seek it out before you're in a crisis. This proactive approach can reduce stress and give you peace of mind.
And What If Someone Asks You for Help?
When someone asks you for help, it’s important to set healthy boundaries. If you can’t assist, be honest about it. You may feel guilty for saying no, but it’s crucial to acknowledge that your resources—whether emotional, physical, or financial—are not limitless. Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you’re preserving your own well-being. If you cannot fulfil the request, consider offering help in a smaller way or suggest other avenues for support.Overcommitting can lead to burnout, and it’s perfectly acceptable to decline requests that don’t align with your priorities or are too much to handle at the moment.
Conclusion: The Power of Connection, Community, and Asking for Help
In a world that often celebrates individualism, it's easy to forget that our strength lies not in doing everything ourselves, but in the power of connection and community. Whether we realize it or not, human beings are social creatures. The relationships we build with those around us—our family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers—are the foundation of our well-being.
As we've explored, some of the happiest and most resilient societies are those where community and mutual support are at the heart of everyday life. These cultures teach us that asking for help is not a sign of failure, but an essential part of a shared, thriving environment. It’s through our connections with others—whether that means having a neighbor who offers a listening ear, a friend who helps with childcare, or a community that gathers in times of need—that we cultivate a sense of belonging, purpose, and collective strength.
Local communities are often where we find the most immediate and practical support. Whether it’s through small gestures—like helping with groceries, watching a child, or offering a ride—or through organized community initiatives, these connections form the bedrock of resilience in our daily lives. In times of stress, it’s the people who live closest to us who can offer the most comfort and tangible help. If we share our concerns and struggles shared understanding can be incredibly powerful. The act of helping one another strengthens not only the individual but the community as a whole, creating a ripple effect of support that grows with each kind act.
So, the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that you don't have to handle everything on your own. Asking for help, or offering it, is a fundamental part of building a connected, supportive environment.
Life is a delicate balance of give and take. Sometimes, we need to reach out and allow others to lend a hand. Other times, we’re called upon to offer our own help. Both are equally important in creating communities that are resilient, compassionate, and sustainable.
By nurturing our connections, we build stronger communities where everyone has the opportunity to thrive. Don’t wait for the struggle to feel overwhelming. Instead, cultivate these relationships now—before you need them. In the end, our collective well-being is what allows us all to thrive. So, reach out, connect, and help others when you can. Together, we can create communities where social connection is not just a luxury, but a way of life.
References:
[1] Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529
[2] Diener, E., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Very happy people. Psychological Science, 15(6), 167–173
[3] Paulus, M., Becher, T., Christner, N., Kammermeier, M., Gniewosz, B., & Pletti, C. (2024). When do children begin to care for others? The ontogenetic growth of empathic concern across the first two years of life. Cognitive Development, 70, 101439. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cogdev.2024.101439
[4] https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-kids-are-afraid-to-ask-for-help/
[5] Biru Zhou, Dara Heather, Alessia Di Cesare, Andrew G. Ryder. Ask and you might receive: The actor-partner interdependence model approach to estimating cultural and gender variations in social support. European Journal of Social Psychology, 2017, 47 (4), pp.412-428. 10.1002/ejsp.2251 . hal- 01626449
[5b] De Castella, Krista & Jazaieri, Hooria & Ziv, Michal & Dweck, Carols & Gross, James. (2013). Beliefs About Emotion: Links to Emotion Regulation, Well-Being, and Psychological Distress. Basic and Applied Social Psychology. 35. 497-505. 10.1080/01973533.2013.840632.
[6] Takebe, M., & Murata, K. (2017). Perceived autonomous help and recipients’ well-being: Is autonomous help good for everyone? Current Research in Social Psychology, 25, Article 9.
[7] Penner, Louis & Dovidio, John & Piliavin, Jane & Schroeder, David. (2005). Prosocial Behavior: Multilevel Perspectives. Annual review of psychology. 56. 365-92. 10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070141.
[8] Ratner, R. K., & Miller, D. T. (2001). The influence of social context on personal goals: Self-interest versus prosociality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(2), 223-238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.81.2.223
[9] Epley, N., & Dunning, D. (2000). Feeling “holier-than-thou”: When are self-serving assessments of bias and self-interest motivated? Psychological Science, 11(2), 92-98. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00219
[10] Kiviniemi, Marc & Snyder, Mark & Omoto, Allen. (2002). Too Many of a Good Thing? The Effects of Multiple Motivations on Stress, Cost, Fulfillment, and Satisfaction. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 28. 10.1177/0146167202289003.
[11] Boothby, E. J., & Bohns, V. K. (2021). The power of gratitude: How people misjudge the impact of their expressions of thanks. Psychological Science, 32(1), 68-77. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797620961803
[12] Zhao, L., & Epley, N. (2021a). The underestimated impact of gratitude: Why expressions of thanks go further than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(5), 1230-1248. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000254
[13] Jordan, M. (2023). The power of connection: Self-care strategies of social wellbeing. Journal of Interprofessional Education & Practice, 31, 100586. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.xjep.2022.100586
[14] Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
[15] Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W.W. Norton & Company
[16] Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227-237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
[17] https://www.oecd.org/en/publications/how-s-life-2024_90ba854a-en/full-report.html
[18] https://worldhappiness.report/ed/2024/
[19] Zoe Chance (2023). Influence Is Your Superpower: How to Get What You Want Without Compromising Who You Are. New York: Random House. ISBN 9781984854353.
[20] Donnelly, G. F. (2011). Accepting Help: A Lesson in Self-care. Holistic Nursing Practice, 25(3), 115. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.HNP.0000397927.65781.07
Images courtesy of Freepix.
