Competency: Are We Raising Incompetent Children? Maybe It’s Time for Us to Be Cruel to Be Kind, Stop Over-Protecting, and Toughen Our Children Up a Little.
If our children are going to grow up into adults competent of facing the challenges of life then we are doing them no favours by wrapping them in cotton wool and trying to shut any kind of hardship or potential conflict or danger out. How else will they manage the real world unless we make them step out of their comfort zone?
Let’s be honest life isn’t fair. The sooner we make our children realise this the better. Yes our children are our little treasures, and we want to protect them at all costs but we will be doing them absolutely no favours if we continue to shield them from reality. What do I mean by this? Well, there are plenty of examples. Our kids need to learn that life doesn’t owe them anything. They’ll have to work for what they want, and that requires effort. It won’t always be fun, but that’s part of life. We need to encourage them to take on chores, run errands, complete their homework, help others, and try new things—even if they’re reluctant.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but I know that by treating them like little princes and princesses, I’m doing no one any favors—not me, not my husband, and certainly not them. And as for society?! Growing up isn’t easy, and we need to start preparing our children for the world from the very beginning. Perhaps this is part of the reason why so many teenagers are struggling. They’ve spent their childhoods in a bubble that bursts when reality hits. Adolescence is a turbulent time, and even the most well-meaning parents can’t shield their kids from the rush of fluctuating hormones. If we haven’t given our children the space to grow, become independent, and gain real-world experience, this phase becomes even harder. Skills and competencies are always evolving, and our children need to start developing them now—sooner rather than later.
Competency is about having the skills to handle life’s challenges. Life competency, specifically, means having the ability to navigate whatever comes your way—knowing how to react, adapt, and respond in ways that work for you. To be competent, you need to acquire experiences as you grow that help you build a toolkit of skills to deal with different situations, conflicts, and challenges. And here’s the thing: competency isn’t just something we develop as kids; it’s a lifelong process. Each new experience adds more tools to our toolkit, helping as we go through life.
Do you think of yourself as competent? Do you have the skills to handle the everyday stuff life throws at you? Chances are, you do. As adults, we’ve had to learn how to self-regulate our emotions, take care of our personal hygiene, meet our basic needs (food, water, sleep), prioritize tasks, think on our feet when things go wrong, and manage stress and conflict. The list goes on. We’ve had to learn these skills over time to become well-rounded, functioning adults. But why are we, as a society, holding back our kids from developing the same competencies? Are we overprotecting them? Have we become too comfortable with them being "babysat" by their devices? Thinking them safer at home online, rather than outdoors? Are we sheltering them from the discomforts that come with growth but in the meatime depriving them of some of the best experiences, such as risk taking and developing their own personalitites outside of the home? I grew up on a residential estate and the best memories are those that made adrenaline rush to my head, the things that I didn’t tell my parents! Of course as a parent I want to know what my kids are up to, but on the otherhand do I really need to know everything?!
Have we become too comfortable with them being "babysat" by their devices?
I’m not asking a loaded question. But it’s worth considering: Do we give our kids enough independence in the real world? Many children are growing up without the real-world exposure that fosters competency. Society doesn’t encourage teens to take on small jobs or contribute to their communities, either. I’m not saying that children don’t face worries—they do. But in my opinion, patching things up or hiding from difficulties isn’t the answer. Too many kids aren’t given the independence they need to grow. My kids, for instance, sometimes dodge chores or are shielded from challenges. Children that might just be struggling emotionally due to the stress of adolesence, might end up being diagnosed too quickly, instead of first being supported through normal growing pains. Let’s face it: growing up is hard. We all know this. But part of growing up is learning to face and overcome those difficulties, and that includes emotional ups and downs.
I started thinking about competency after I read Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up by Abigail Schrier. One of the main points I took away from her book is that we talk a lot about resilience and responsibility, but none of those things are possible without the foundational skills that make us competent. How can kids develop these skills if they’re not given the chance to experience and learn from uncomfortable situations? Those stressful, challenging experiences are the ones that trigger our natural stress responses, and stress, while uncomfortable, is an essential part of life. Our children need to learn how to handle stress, which means they need to face it. If children do not have challenging experiences, then they are also unlikely to be motivated to do things. To keep stress to a minimum we can practice scenarios with our kids at home before they venture out into the big unknown. We can run through what a walk to the local store entails and discuss any potential hurdles or dangers and how to deal with them. Or we can consider what it will mean to give a speech at school or to go to a social club where they might not know any one. By imaging potential situations in advance you can talk eventualities together and work out an action plan. We want our children to be well-mannered, look adults in the eye when spoken to, and shake hands in social situations. This can be daunting for some kids, but with practice, you are helping them develop essential social skills they will need later in life.
Life isn’t always rosy, so we must experience discomfort and uncertainty in order to develop the resilience to deal with it. We need to make it clear to our children that our main goal is not for them to always have what they want or to continually be happy, but rather that we want them to be resourceful—and this requires experiencing a whole range of emotions. The essence of life is the conflict of feelings, ranging from sadness, to excitement, to fear, to anger and of course to happiness. If we do not experience the lows how on earth do the highs have any value at all? It is no wonder that so many teenagers struggle if they do not know how to deal with all the situations and feelings that crop up all of a sudden.
we want them to be resourceful—and this requires experiencing a whole range of emotions.
Confidence is vital for our mental health and improves our chances of leading a successful and happy life. If our children not see any value in what they do, they will never learn to have faith in their own ability. By ordering at a restaurant, handling a tough chore, or going to a social event on their own—they’ll feel a sense of accomplishment. These experiences are invaluable for their growth, teaching them practical skills and social confidence.They will have learnt new skills whether social or practical, which is invaluable for their independence and growth. We value our children and their personalities and if we want to nurture an environment of mutual trust and respect for one another then we must offer our children our trust too.
and if we want to nurture an environment of mutual trust and respect for one another then we must offer our children our trust too.
Inevitably this discussion leads to screens, and the fact that they teach children the exact reserve of real life experience. Children have learned that they can get instant gratification with very little effort, and this simply sets them up for failure. Most of us know that something worth doing requires blood, sweat and tears. Our children are being set up for quite a shock when they get to adulthood if they do not realise this. Our children need to attend social events and experience different environments where they must adapt their behaviour—whether it’s being quiet and calm in one setting or engaging in louder, more boisterous environments with diverse people of varying ages, backgrounds, and cultures. Without these experiences, transitions like going to university or starting a job can be much harder. Hiding behind screens can’t replace the real-world connections they need to build.
Children have learned that they can get instant gratification with very little effort, and this simply sets them up for failure.
It is extremely important to remember that we are important role models for our children. Our kids learn by watching us. If we navigate life’s challenges with curiosity and resilience, they will learn to do the same. We also need to let them experiment, make mistakes, and learn from them. This helps them become better prepared for the adult world. Childhood is the perfect time to try things out and to experiment, and it is therefore invaluable that parents give them the chance to do so. Otherwise children might miss out on a vital window that shapes them as an individual. We need to rationalise things for our children and open their eyes to reality. They need to learn to deal with the unexpected, take responsibility, and take problems in their stride—and we need to be there if they need our direction.
In many parts of the world, culture has become more inward-looking. We’re more focused on our own lives and pursuing personal success, and as a result, we've become more isolated from our communities. Kids, in particular, often have fragmented social circles, made up of friends from school and, if they're lucky, friends from extracurricular activities. The problem is that these friendship groups are often disconnected from one another, which weakens the overall support network. When I was young, all the kids in the neighborhood would hang out together, regardless of which school they attended. Everyone knew everyone. But today, kids spend more time indoors on their screens, reflecting on their own lives, and often dwelling on their struggles or misfortunes. If they spent more time outside, they might have less time to focus on their internal worries, which could help improve their mental health. Turning our attention outward—by helping others and getting involved in meaningful activities—would benefit us all. It would strengthen the community and create a sense of connection. As parents, we need to get involved too, even if it’s just an hour or two every couple of months. Every small contribution makes a difference and benefits the community as a whole. We all would gain benefit from a thriving community.
The teenage years are meant to be challenging. They’re a trial period for adulthood. If we shelter our kids from those challenges, we’re just delaying their development. Life doesn’t stop, and we can’t protect them forever.
Our job is to prepare them for what’s ahead by giving them the skills and confidence and ultimately the competence to face it head-on.
my children: I truly get it, I really do! It would be incredible if fame and fortune just came easily, but that's not how the real world works. I want you to grow into capable young adults, ready to face whatever life throws at you. I want you to make a positive impact on the world, and that's why, even though it feels like tough love at times, it’s coming from a place of real love. I know it’ll be hard for me to give you more freedom, but I’ll do my best to make it happen.
#informyourperspectives #balanceyourscreens #bringbackthelove #localcommunity #connection #parenting #freedom #competence #resilience #realworld
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