Without a Map: The Changing Landscape of Love in the Modern World
In recent years, the dating landscape has undergone a dramatic transformation, largely driven by the rise of digital communication. This has broadened access to a much larger pool of potential partners than ever before. Before the advent of dating apps and websites, romantic connections were primarily formed within local communities—through social circles, workplaces, churches, or educational institutions. However, with the global connectivity made possible by the aviation boom in the second half of the 20th century, people can now meet potential partners from different cultures and countries in ways that were unimaginable a century ago.
In today's highly mobile society, many of us live far from family and friends—who once played a key role in vetting potential partners. This newfound autonomy in selecting a partner could help explain why people are waiting longer to marry, or choosing not to marry at all. In the past, small communities provided a more integrated approach to finding a partner, where your reputation, values, and integrity were widely known. Today, many individuals lack this support network, and in large, anonymous cities, online dating may be the only way to meet new people. However, with the presence of fake profiles and personas online, the process of forming authentic connections has become more complex.
This month we welcome Michelle ‘Meesh’ Dooley who has written our first guest blog: ‘The Dullness of Digital Romance: How Online Dating is Stealing the Magic of Authentic Connection.’ This blog showcases Meesh’s perspective and experiences. You can read the full article here. Meesh believes online dating has a lot to answer for in terms of romantic connections.
Gone are the days of organic and effortless ‘meet-cutes’; where the electricity and tie between you both was unexplainable and it didn’t matter what colour his eyes were or how tall she was. Today, the human element of connection feels like it’s been reduced to swiping, blocking, messaging, and algorithms that try to predict chemistry. Online dating has become convenient and time efficient, however; it encourages a “shopping” mentality.
I too have fallen victim, in my single days, to swiping through faces like they’re products on a shelf; my internal dialogue as soul destroying as the act itself “no…no…aaaaabsolutely not…are you kidding…is he serious…wow…nope…never…yeah right…” Many of these potential men of course, could have had great personalities and humour - none of which could be conveyed through a screen.
This transformation raises an important question: Are people, especially the younger generation, missing out on valuable real-life romantic experiences? With fewer opportunities to socialize locally, many people have turned to online platforms for dating. But online dating brings with it a completely different dynamic. Does this move into the digital space have negative consequences when it comes to love?
Why Do We Need Relationships?
Humans are inherently social beings, and our survival has historically depended on being part of a tribe. We require real-world interactions to thrive, which provide vital feedback for our emotional and psychological well-being. From a young age, we seek confirmation of our worth and identity through feedback from others. We need to feel appreciated and valued, and, for the most part, we gain fulfillment from helping others.
Humans are unique in our ability to read the emotions of others. Our brains are wired to expect "access to relationships of interdependence, shared goals, and joint attention."[1] We look to collaborate with others by having a shared intentionality for a common goal. This ability forms the foundation for close relationships such as friendships and marriage. Both parties in a relationship need to be alert to the emotional cues of the other. They must share a common goal, be committed, and coordinate their behaviors in complementary ways to offer mutual support.[2]
We look to collaborate with others by having a shared intentionality for a common goal.
To interact effectively, we must perceive and interpret the emotional signals of others. Babies learn to study the faces of the people around them, mimic their expressions, and elicit responses based on this. We learn when to speak and when to listen—skills that are essential for interpersonal communication. Through relationships, we gain information from others and contribute our own input, helping us achieve shared goals. This exchange of beliefs is foundational to building successful relationships.
For Meesh the impact of online dating creates a lot of ambiguity, even if a conversation does spark, there’s a constant cloud of doubt: Is this really the guy in the picture? With so many options and no risk of real-world consequences, the urgency and vulnerability of romantic pursuits fade. The magic of meeting someone meant for you is something felt in the moment, in the subtle details that happen face-to-face. Describing her experiences in the online dating world, even the unknown generated an appeal. I didn’t know his name, his age, what he did, what he liked to eat, what his best mate was called from being small, his hobbies or his favourite one liner! And not knowing that shit, was magnetic as hell to me.
Social interaction also plays a significant role in mental health. The brain is less stressed during social interaction than when we are isolated.[3] Positive social contact can make challenges seem more manageable, providing energy and reducing tension. This social connection also helps prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as overeating. When surrounded by others, challenges are shared, stress is alleviated, and perceived threats become less significant, ultimately helping conserve energy- this is one of the reasons why having a partner can bring such comfort. Evolutionarily, our brains are wired to recognize safety in numbers, especially when surrounded by familiar individuals—our social network, which can be considered an extension of ourselves. We understand that socializing is essential for thriving; without it, the risk of substance abuse, depression, chronic disease, dementia, and even mortality increases.[4],[5],[6]
Statistics however suggest a troubling trend that people are feeling increasingly more lonely: 30% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 report feeling lonely on a regular basis.[7] With much of their time spent on screens, young people are not participating in social activities such as team sports or collaborative projects, which were once key to building social bonds. In addition, traditional social venues like pubs and clubs—once popular spots for meeting potential romantic interests—are no longer as frequented as they once were. This has had a huge impact on the local dating scene. The convenience of digital communication allows the young to avoid potentially embarrassing situations, such as asking someone out in person. However by avoiding real-life social situations, young people miss out on developing essential social and emotional skills needed for building relationships in the real world. The teenage years, traditionally a time for experimentation and gradual learning about dating, are not being fully experienced by today’s youth.
Without love, we would lack the motivation that drives our pursuit of relationships and connection, including sexual desire.
Why is Romantic Love Important?
Most of us need not only platonic love but also romantic love to thrive. Platonic love encompasses deep trust, emotional connection, and companionship whereas romantic love also involves passion and attraction, fulfilling not just the emotional but also physical needs.
When we fall in love romantically, oxytocin levels rise, and our heart rate increases, accompanied by the release of adrenaline—causing feelings of elation and excitement. This process illustrates that love is not just a feeling but an evolved mechanism, one that is crucial to human survival. It is, in essence, the motivation behind much of what we do. Without love, we would lack the motivation that drives our pursuit of relationships and connection, including sexual desire.
Romantic love plays a key role in how we feel about ourselves and our place in society.[8] When we form a romantic attachment, we feel recognized, valued, and more securely integrated into the social fabric. Humans have a fundamental need for security and connection, both of which are typically provided in a romantic relationship. For many, love is seen as a pathway to happiness and well-being. In fact, studies confirm that those who are in romantic relationships tend to report higher levels of happiness compared to those who are not. [9],[10] In particular, love interests during adolescence and young adulthood provide important support for emotional health and well-being during a particularly challenging development period of life. [11]
This newfound autonomy in selecting a partner could help explain why people are waiting longer to marry, or choosing not to marry at all
Marriage Trends: Delayed and Diminished Commitment
Romance is inherently tied to physical and face-to-face interaction, so the decline in social engagement has directly contributed to the challenges in forming romantic connections. As Meesh describes, the romance isn’t stolen; it’s quietly suffocated by screens and superficial exchanges. In many Western societies, fewer people are getting married or living with a partner. In the UK, 37.9% of adults have never been married, and in the US, the figure is 42%.[12],[13] Among those who do marry, the age at which they tie the knot has risen. In the UK, the average age for men to get married is 32.7 years, and for women, it is 31.2 years.[14] In fact, the past decade marks the only period since at least the 1970s when women under 35 were more likely to live with their parents than with a spouse. Moreover, an increasing number of adults—around 28%—report that they do not want to settle down with another person at all. This shift could indicate a growing preference for more casual, non-committal relationships or simply a desire for greater personal freedom in an era of abundant digital choices and less emphasis on traditional relationship structures.
This widening gap leads to a surplus of young men who, according to some, “just don’t look like what women have come to think of as ‘marriage material’.
The Economic Strain and Changing Expectations
The economic challenges faced by many have also contributed to shifting relationship dynamics. As an example, single men without a college education in the US have seen their salaries drop by nearly 25% over the last 50 years. In contrast, the average salary has more than doubled in the same time frame. This widening gap leads to a surplus of young men who, according to some, “just don’t look like what women have come to think of as ‘marriage material’. [15] Economic factors, combined with evolving societal norms, are making it harder for some men to meet the expectations of potential partners. And to make it even more complicated, many men do not want to date women who earn more than they do!
Politics and the Dating Divide
As if economic factors weren’t enough, politics has also started playing a role in the challenges of modern-day dating. In the US, 59% of men, compared to 44% of women, are single, with a notable political divide between the sexes. The largest demographic to support Donald Trump are single men, while the majority of single women do not support him. [16] This political divide has the potential to complicate the already difficult task of finding love in today’s world and this is not just unique to the US.
Self-love is crucial for preserving a healthy identity. Self-love means recognizing your own worth, appreciating your uniqueness and understanding that you deserve love.
[17]
The Importance of Self-Love
One of Meesh’s core messages about motivation is that loving and appreciating someone else starts with loving and appreciating yourself. Without self-respect, it’s difficult to build a healthy identity within a relationship. How can we expect others to treat us with respect if we don’t respect ourselves? Self-love is crucial for preserving a healthy identity.[17] Self-love means recognizing your own worth, appreciating your uniqueness and understanding that you deserve love. When we begin to love ourselves, it shows in our actions and how we treat others. Through self-love we establish clear boundaries not just for ourselves but with others. This means that we can communicate our values and needs and avoid destructive choices. Feeling good about who we are makes us more attractive, and people will naturally be drawn to us and love us in return. Think about it—are we attracted to someone who constantly puts themselves down? If we’re always focused on our flaws and weaknesses, we miss out on the fullness of life. Life is too short to constantly beat ourselves up. There will always be people who try to bring us down, so why do it to ourselves? Give yourself a break. Each day, take a moment to appreciate who you are, all you’ve become, and all you still have the potential to be. Thank your body and mind for everything they do for you and recognize the small positives in your life. Don’t dwell on the negatives—this positive energy will naturally draw more love into your life. It is through self-love that the real joy in life begins.
Remember to read Meesh’s full blog here.
Remember to read Meesh’s full blog here.
REFERENCES
[1] Coan JA, Sbarra DA. Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2015 Feb;1:87-91. DOI: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.12.021. PMID: 25825706; PMCID: PMC4375548.
[2] Tomasello M, Carpenter M, Call J, Behne T, Moll H. Understanding and sharing intentions: The origins of cultural cognition. Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2005;28(5):675-691. doi:10.1017/S0140525X05000129
[3] Zhang T, Li F, Beckes L, Coan JA. A semi-parametric model of the hemodynamic response for multi-subject fMRI data. Neuroimage. 2013 Jul;75:136-145. DOI: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2013.02.048. PMID: 23473935.
[4] Brenda W. J. H. Penninx, Theo van Tilburg, Didi M. W. Kriegsman, Dorly J. H. Deeg, A. Joan P. Boeke, Jacques Th. M. van Eijk, Effects of Social Support and Personal Coping Resources on Mortality in Older Age: The Longitudinal Aging Study Amsterdam, American Journal of Epidemiology, Volume 146, Issue 6, 15 September 1997, Pages 510–519, https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordjournals.aje.a009305
[5] Thurston RC, Kubzansky LD. Women, loneliness, and incident coronary heart disease. Psychosomatic Medicine. 2009 Oct;71(8):836-842. DOI: 10.1097/psy.0b013e3181b40efc. PMID: 19661189; PMCID: PMC2851545.
[6] Gow AJ, Pattie A, Whiteman MC, Whalley LJ, Deary IJ. Social support and successful aging: Investigating the relationships between lifetime cognitive change and life satisfaction. Journal of Individual Differences. 2007;28:103–115.
[7] https://www.psychiatry.org/News-room/News-Releases/New-APA-Poll-One-in-Three-Americans-Feels-Lonely-E
[8] Gómez-López M, Viejo C, Ortega-Ruiz R. Well-Being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019 Jul 7;16(13):2415. doi: 10.3390/ijerph16132415. PMID: 31284670; PMCID: PMC6650954.
[9] Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Strengths of character and well-being. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(5), 603–619. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.23.5.603.50748
[10] Blanca, M.J., Ferragut, M., Ortiz-Tallo, M. et al. Life Satisfaction and Character Strengths in Spanish Early Adolescents. J Happiness Stud 19, 1247–1260 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-017-9865-y
[11] Gómez-López M, Viejo C, Ortega-Ruiz R. Well-Being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019 Jul 7;16(13):2415. doi: 10.3390/ijerph16132415. PMID: 31284670; PMCID: PMC6650954.
[12]https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/marriagecohabitationandcivilpartnerships/articles/marriageandcivilpartnershipstatusenglandandwalescensus2021/2023-02-22
[13]https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/01/08/share-of-us-adults-living-without-a-romantic-partner-has-ticked-down-in-recent-years/
[14] https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/42967-do-britons-still-want-get-married
[15] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/02/america-marriage-decline/681518/
[16] https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-romance-how-politics-and-pessimism-influence-dating-experiences/
[17] The importance of self-love and feeling worthy is addressed in Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, MN: Hazleden Publishing.
